I accidentally had phone sex last night
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
