Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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