totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
