yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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