I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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