you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
