Fine. I'll sleep in my office
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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