I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i will never coherently bang her
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
