Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
