my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
