My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
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