Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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