Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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