I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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