i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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