The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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