There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
