i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
