you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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