If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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