Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
