we made out on top of his cat.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
