i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
