Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
