god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
