'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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