Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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