If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you win again, gameday.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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