well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
