eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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