Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
