she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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