...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
