my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
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I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
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We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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