Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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