I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD