I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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