I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
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