So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
