remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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