And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
