You really coming over, don't trick.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
