she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
