The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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