I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
