I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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