she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
