my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It's just like the Real World with babies
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
