I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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