As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
