omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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