apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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