You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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